This is a break up letter to you. You selfish, manipulative, lying, hateful disease. This is not fun to tell or to admit, but you were the dark part of me. It breaks my heart to look back at the brokenness I lived in. The power that I gave you in my life makes me sick. And the power you have in other people’s lives makes me sick as well.
You preyed on me. You saw who I was, saw my struggles and personality tendencies, and knew I would be your perfect target. You steal and kill, you destroy and starve. You had me losing 45 pounds in 8 months. You had me sick. You had me with a feeding tube. You put me in a hospital. You put me in a rehabilitation center. I lied to keep you. I lied to everyone I loved, even myself because I couldn’t admit I had a problem. You wrecked my body and caused it to “seem” like I wouldn’t bare children. I wanted to die instead of live every day trying to get rid of you.
And I let you do it.
It was choices I made. Quiet areas of my heart and mind that I allowed to be filled with lies. I will NOT pretend I was simply a victim. I loved you for a long time.
However, ED, you’re a nasty mama jama, and so sneaky, that before I even knew what was happening, I had this eating disorder, this issue that I never would have woken up one day and chosen.
But guess what. You LOST!
I confronted my problems. I faced who I was becoming and got help from amazing people. I was honest with my family about our broken relationships. I was weak. I fought recovery off and on. But Jesus and the people around me fought for me when I couldn’t.
God awoke in me a new spirit, a new life, and he pulled me out of the pit my disorder threw me in. He rescued me. Redeemed me. Showed me what love really is. Depression, anxiety, control….all the roots of my pain were discovered and I will never let them rule over me again.
Goodbye ED. You suck BIG TIME and you should jump off a bridge and leave the world alone.
What was intended as a mental and physical illness that should’ve claimed my life, was a big turning point for me. Whether you are struggling with a chronic illness, a mental illness, a sickness, or even depression or anxiety. You have to know something. You are not alone. Others have gone through the same things and you can beat it. You are strong. It may seem like it’s too much, but whatever it is, it does not have the power to claim you or enslave you.
Be strong y’all. Be brave. And when you can’t be, or don’t want to be anymore, that’s totally okay. Let others be there to hold you up.
Be kind to everyone you meet. We all need a little help sometimes.